Unfulfilled Wishes

Posted: January 28, 2011 in The People

A couple of hours past the midnight and I could still hear the chattering in the next room.  My cousins and some of their friends and they don’t hang around much except when I am at home. They visit me, spend some time over here with their friends, young people in their early twenties and this has been a routine since my mother passed away. I have this belongingness to this old house for my parents left this to me or may be this is where I belong to after what I write everyday and no, I am not mourning their death.

These young people were playing cards until I left them under the pretext of answering my wife’s call, who is at her parents. Must be a realization as I wrote this but nothing entertains me after a certain extent, neither people nor ideas and even worst my wishes. I wasn’t sure whether to try sleeping… yes try…. close my eyes and wait for my thoughts to stop abruptly without me realizing. I tried that too but then that was it, I wasn’t trying enough or not trying at all because I wanted to be awake. Its been sometime since my mother left us  and as I write this I am not trying to trade a life, that lacks sorrow, for some human pain I might pull over myself. It was pretty cold and as I stood by the window I could see this mango tree that my mother used to claim was hers and its wood meant for her funeral. She even had this wish to, not to tell/inform me about her death and am still not sure if that was love or was that plain hatred for the thoughtless, loveless and indifferent soul for a son that I was then.

I am older now and do look so with the white shades and the greyness of it in my hair,  somehow reflecting my life, accompanied by these wide pair of glasses on my nose. I could still feel the cold, though deep in me I sense this rush of warmth and the pain that I just overlooked or tried doing so. The surviving tree might just be a reminder of how human life is, for some unknown reason, left incomplete and unfulfilled as one of her last wishes is. A conclusion of how you have plans to live and die, only to be left with more wishes, some fulfilled, some unfulfilled and some just tried or thought about. It might also be a quiet reminder about people in our lives whom we cannot live without or with whose end we see ours, but then we all grow beyond that belongingness, surviving the vacuum they leave us in. The tree must have seen its end with my mother’s death or  it did wish once that she never left us for that would have been the end of it too. My thoughts are leading e nowhere now.

As I walked back to the bed with thoughts of that tree standing there and about my mother’s unfulfilled wish, I wasn’t feeling the cold any more. I couldn’t hear them talking anymore, assuming they must have slept or they must have lived beyond the cards, at least for this moment where all I can hear is their silence.  I do realize that the tree stands there reflecting one of her unfulfilled wishes but then, me not being there for her funeral might have a wish fulfilled…


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