Posts Tagged ‘jayakrishnan g pillai’

Death would have been easier for the man I am
If death would have come, with so much passion that I feel for her
Ask me for the reason I would look upon her
Ask me for the pain I wouldn’t know the reason
Not for the love I feel but the pain in that
Love seems lost or may be in love it seems
Drops of dream and all falling on to my closed eyes
All the more I am lost and all the more I am in love
She spoke of what I knew I would feel and she
She spoke of us and said its never, wish it was true for it seems forever
She saw my pain before I shared
As she asked me to keep away from her
Though I feel pain there as much I am in
Wild are the ways we think for the past we lived
Wild it would seem for the present we have
Love is what we do yet undefined for the world
Love all the more for it seems endless in all
Know her of her thoughts, her dreams and her love alike.
Know so much of pain in knowing that she is possessed.
Know as much pain, for I belong to her.
I stand crowded by relations lost in her thoughts,
Lost, I see her from a strange distance that’s strangely close.
Lost might be she but I know I walk along
Neither words of wisdom nor the curse of betrayal
Not even the pain of losing would hold us back
For I know its passion in all
Know not where it headed but know it isn’t right
Know it couldn’t have been better for the joy it gives
She asked, I spoke but in between thoughts lost
She knew, I mystified yet we knew the answers all the same
Times we spoke of love yet scared to define for we know
The pain there after would be the end of us
Or as she said I would be the end of her
Or she the end of me …

P.S:Trust me I don’t even know where to use the fullstops, the commas, the semi@#$$%#$% …. Honestly this is indeed lost..
Grammatical and spelling mistakes to over looked.. please do not question me on this one


Waiting for the train on the platform and lost in some vague thoughts, I was startled when a hand shook me and a voice asked me to make some place for them to sit. I turned around only find a couple might be in their sixties or even seventies. I smiled and shifted to the corner of the seating. They were chatting about their kids, their weekend ahead and I was sitting there, all thoughtless of what they said, but still listening to their conversation. I found the conversation meaningless until they said something about being thankful for being together and then they were smiling. I wished I could just look onto their faces and enjoy that smile they had, strangers they were so I couldn’t but then MPD took over and I was lost. Soon they left, leaving me occupied. Do I have someone in my life for whose presence I should be thankful or even people with whom I can grow old, be thankful about when I grow old, as old as this couple were. I boarded the train and these thoughts still occupied me, I know I am too young to think about this and will surely come across many more people. I thought of all the possible faces and I did know of some rather few, I would like to live with and grow old. The girl I was in love with for the last four years and would always want to be with, the woman who changed me enough to make me what I am and still acts as if she has not done much (she also happens to be my teacher), some friends with whom I spent the last couple of years, some friends I made at work and really became a significant part of my life and then my family. I am sure my girl, the life changing woman, the friends (the one I lived with and the ones I work with) are the ones who will be there because of the time frame we been together and have accepted me the way I am (weird). My family, they will stick to me because they are too much of society conscious to disown me for being so much of an irresponsible and uncertain crap.
When I say this, I am reminded of some people I have never met in person but know them quite well. I got introduced to them in the recent times or just became friends with, out of curiosity, amuse, error or just because we were destined. These people whom I came across due to wrong numbers (really don’t have any but just a wish), facebook, blogging or even chatroom conversations have made as much of a difference as my real friends did. They are just voices, words, ideas and sometimes just images but then they mean a lot. There are few amongst them with whom I would like to grow old. There is this gal I met a few days ago on facebook, we been talking endlessly and have been talking about life, love, religion, politics, humanity, charity, pain, loneliness, sorrow and even death(though I hate to talk about it). We have fought, laughed, argued, won over and defeated each other, we have sat in silence and we have shared some good jokes, we have had all that we could in real but then we have never met and not even spoke of doing so. I am sure I would like her to be a part of my life as much as anyone mentioned above in my wish list. Ask me if I care or love her and I would have to say yes but better if this is love undefined and I am sure it might sound funny or even gross to many, to be in love with a total stranger but then, don’t they call me weird.
I have another set of people who just keep inspiring me to achieve and fulfill my dreams. I have known them professionally but they made a lot of difference in my personal life. There is this man, whom I call “the man guided by god or the hand of god”. He has a way speaking and sharing his ideas. He would smile when I share an idea and listen with a frowned eyebrow if I have something to point out. He is the man who makes me feel that there isn’t much that we have accomplished and there isn’t anything we can’t achieve. I have this wish to be living with them and may be walk closer to the end with them. I am not much of a dreamer but if this wish could be fulfilled then I am sure I will have another dream fulfilled. I am sure I will be able to smile about it in my “elderly” days as this couple did before leaving me with a wish.

On my way home this weekend, I believe I had the greatest realization of my life, might be just for me but yes, that was a realization of a life time. Almost an hour past midnight as I write these swift thoughts stirring through my mind, I believe I have been thoughtful enough to think over this… over and again. On my way home as I was looking out of the bus, I realized I loved the view outside…… green and golden pastures, grey sky with a hope of some shower, fast moving frames of land and houses and sometimes just the dark sky I would be staring at. But with each passing moment I realized that I was forgetting what I saw just moments back, but yet happy about what was going to show up next. No matter whatever I saw, I Realized I was waiting for the future… just a wish to see more. May be its human, or just a childlike thought… but I was waiting for what this journey had for me. I know I have celebrated my life with people, places and moments of diverse emotions but then I was never stuck with things or even people. I do remember faces but I don’t miss them because they are a part of me and they are what I have lived….. And I have often told people that I do miss them, I have told the woman I loved that I missed those years after we parted ways… I have told my friends that they have been missed the moment they left me… I have cried my soul out saying that I missed them all but it’s not them that I missed but the moment we spent together…. That single moment of excitement, belongingness, sorrow, passion, empathy, sympathy, silence, all that and more.
I realized that I never thought about what I said, did or acted upon in the past… I never thought about what others would think about what I said or did… I was always in love with the moment. I have told people I don’t love them though I knew I meant a lot to them, I have told people I love them when I knew they didn’t, I have asked people to leave me… I have left people stranded after all those promises I made, I have left home and walked back in… I have smiled through sorrow and cried out of joy, I have done everything that would keep me excited for that moment…. I have done everything that I wanted for that moment… and this is what I realize while I sit here out to a dark night wherein nothing is all I can see and a hope of change as the fireflies move around in this nothingness.
I have understood that we all would have something that would keep us happy and then they change… The people, the things, your favorite toy, your loved teacher, your best dress, your beautiful poetry, the woman you love, the best friend, the lover, the best moment, the wild night, the beautiful voice, the beloved family, your perpetual thoughts.. Everything changes… everything makes way for the new ones and if they don’t, may be you are living in the past….. and that is what I realized as the meadow made way to the dark grey sky…and then came in this dark night with fireflies around… the meadows know that I haven’t forgotten them, the grey sky knows that she is etched in my thoughts forever and the dark sky out there is what I am in love with now and she know I am enjoying every bit of her……. May be I am living for the moment but that’s what I want to live with and be in love with……..