Posts Tagged ‘my life’

I must have been 8 and I hated classrooms and more than that I used to hate the Homeworks. I had this crazy wild and imperfect hatred for homeworks, coz although I used to hate that thing I would be forced to complete my homework everyday. But then I never had the inner insane strength(the kind I have today) to disobey people and tell them that the spade that they have seems like a shovel to me and I do dare to call it a shovel. I was scared of being trashed at school and more, I was scared of being taken for a brutal ride at home for not obeying. So I started with a plan, I decided to destroy all the pencils in the world. I had made up my mind to destroy every other pencil I found, yes the pencils that were the root cause of my problems. The more the pencils .. the more I had to write . No pencils, No homework.. come on.. I was a kid and I was forced to think.. and even today I think that was the best plan I could have thought of.

We had this wonderful house which occupied the ground floor of a 5 storied building and we had this backyard for ourselves. I would take some time off from my “hide in the cupboard” sessions and get into the backyard to dig. I would dig everyday and hide pencils there, every time a new place and every time more pencils. I was getting happier and I somehow started feeling that there were no homeworks. I was happier and I was homework less(if thats even a word). I was happy. My sorrows were my homework, the cause were some pencils and I just pulled it off by killing the cause rather than worrying about those pencils.

I don’t know, My stupidity then has taught me the happiest lesson I could ever learn. These days when life has started throwing meaningless sorrows up against me, I stop worrying about the problem and I bury the pencils and I know I will find peace in my head. I know, these problem are around sometimes creating illusion and at times playing for real, hard against me but I have survived those brutal realities by burying them. I am happy today and may be those pencils are still there or like my imagery I see another child burying a few more pencils or may be his /her sorrows.



On my way home this weekend, I believe I had the greatest realization of my life, might be just for me but yes, that was a realization of a life time. Almost an hour past midnight as I write these swift thoughts stirring through my mind, I believe I have been thoughtful enough to think over this… over and again. On my way home as I was looking out of the bus, I realized I loved the view outside…… green and golden pastures, grey sky with a hope of some shower, fast moving frames of land and houses and sometimes just the dark sky I would be staring at. But with each passing moment I realized that I was forgetting what I saw just moments back, but yet happy about what was going to show up next. No matter whatever I saw, I Realized I was waiting for the future… just a wish to see more. May be its human, or just a childlike thought… but I was waiting for what this journey had for me. I know I have celebrated my life with people, places and moments of diverse emotions but then I was never stuck with things or even people. I do remember faces but I don’t miss them because they are a part of me and they are what I have lived….. And I have often told people that I do miss them, I have told the woman I loved that I missed those years after we parted ways… I have told my friends that they have been missed the moment they left me… I have cried my soul out saying that I missed them all but it’s not them that I missed but the moment we spent together…. That single moment of excitement, belongingness, sorrow, passion, empathy, sympathy, silence, all that and more.
I realized that I never thought about what I said, did or acted upon in the past… I never thought about what others would think about what I said or did… I was always in love with the moment. I have told people I don’t love them though I knew I meant a lot to them, I have told people I love them when I knew they didn’t, I have asked people to leave me… I have left people stranded after all those promises I made, I have left home and walked back in… I have smiled through sorrow and cried out of joy, I have done everything that would keep me excited for that moment…. I have done everything that I wanted for that moment… and this is what I realize while I sit here out to a dark night wherein nothing is all I can see and a hope of change as the fireflies move around in this nothingness.
I have understood that we all would have something that would keep us happy and then they change… The people, the things, your favorite toy, your loved teacher, your best dress, your beautiful poetry, the woman you love, the best friend, the lover, the best moment, the wild night, the beautiful voice, the beloved family, your perpetual thoughts.. Everything changes… everything makes way for the new ones and if they don’t, may be you are living in the past….. and that is what I realized as the meadow made way to the dark grey sky…and then came in this dark night with fireflies around… the meadows know that I haven’t forgotten them, the grey sky knows that she is etched in my thoughts forever and the dark sky out there is what I am in love with now and she know I am enjoying every bit of her……. May be I am living for the moment but that’s what I want to live with and be in love with……..